Pro Tips:

1. The answer to the question, "What smells like burning plastic?" is almost certainly, "Burning plastic"

2. An Afghani is a unit of currency. Afghans are people.

3. This is not Iraq. Security, military: please leave your preconceptions on the plane. Iraqis are modern urbanites who will fuck with you on purpose. Afghans are ignorant farmers. They have no idea why you're so pissed.

4. You will get sick. Brush your teeth with the local water and git it over with quickly.

5. If you find yourself shitting liquid for 24 hours straight, however, this is probably normal and nothing to worry about.

6. Hand sanitizer is your friend.

7. Afghan National Police are *not* your friends. They will ask for your passport at check points. Do NOT give them your passport. Give them a business card instead.

8. Remember to Smile!

9. Bring your own booze. There is scant to be found here. Dubai is a good place to stock up (duty free!) on the way in. If you don't source your own, expect to pay up to 120$ for a case of beer. Sorry to say, it's not going to be good beer, either.

10. Dont pay anyone to carry your bags. Leave no bags unattended.

11. If you are an infidel, dont bother to come during Ramadan. It's brutally hot, there's nothing to eat, and everyone is in a shit mood.

12. Dont wear black boots. Everything you own will eventually be covered in goatshit.

13. Do not distribute -anything- to people knocking on the windows of your car. A mob will form, rendering you immobilized.

14. Try the goat! It's delicious.

15. In the event that you accidentally hit a kid with your car - first, offer 20$. If the 20$ is insufficient to satisfy his family, offer 100$. If this still doesnt work, drive to the airport as fast as you can. Do not return for at least 1 year.

16. The pharmacies do not require prescriptions. Use caution when self-medicating.

17. Opium and hashish are abundant, easier to get than you'd think, and probably safer than the valium at the pharmacy. But in the name of Most Compassionate Allah, do not take that shit to the airport.

18. Make no promises unless you are fully prepared to satisfy them. All business is conducted on handshakes here. To renege on even a casual agreement will at worst destroy your reputation and make it impossible to get anything done. At best it will result in your Afghan companions ragging on you forever until you follow through.

19. A convenient three syllable loophole exists however: "inshallah" - it means, "If it is the will of god." It's a nice way to explain that the outcome in question is to some degree outside of your control, and your milage may vary.

20. You will hear everyone from dentists to airline pilots bookend their expositions with, "inshallah." At first it's quaint: "The weather will be pleasant for Eid, inshallah." Then it becomes alarming: "This will not hurt a bit, inshallah." Eventually your anxiety will mellow, and the phrase becomes part and parcel of the uncertain experience of living in a country where electricity is still kind of a novelty, donkeys are still kind of a useful vehicle, and Americans are still kind of fucking everything up: "We will be touching down at 2:30 pm local time, inshallah."

BONUS PROTIP: The peaches in Jalalabad are the best in the world, and the mangoes from neighboring Pakistan are exquisite, very special indeed. If you can get your immune system to a point where it will accept local fruits and vegetables, that is. Good luck, and enjoy!